Catnip Chronicles
by EmceeSquare
Summary: A new project has gotten underway at Canterbury Animal Technologies, Inc.


**Hey, EmceeSquare here!**

**Here it is: my first Cats one-shot. Right off the bat you can tell it's different from all the other one-shots you've read. I just spontaneously got the idea for this one and a month later, poof! Here it is, ready for your reading pleasure. **

**If longer stories are more your speed, why don't you check out "Of Candles, Books, and Bells," my very first fic on this site (and, well, ever.) Also, if you're in the mood for a bit of a sob story, my other fic, entitled "Airs and Graces" is the one for you.**

**As always, don't forget to hit me with a review. It helps me become a better writer and gets me more in touch with all of y'all.**

**Anyway, here we go!**

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><p>Wednesday, April 20th, 2005<p>

Transcribed recordings of Oliver P. Flynn, CEO of Canterbury Animal Technologies

_Today, lads, is a wonderful day here at CAT, Inc. As many as you lot probably already know, we have turned our attention to Project: NiP, a biological nerve agent designed to be used by cat owners on their pets. Studies show that the plant it comes from induces a euphoric state of being upon cats coming into contact with its leaves. Think of it as a feline high. As for all you animal lovers, don't worry. I'm sure it's completely safe for them. Mostly, anyways. There's a lot of good work going on down there. Keep it up. Flynn out._

Thursday, April 21st, 2005

_So, a lot of you wanted to know why the project is codenamed NiP. Well, I'll tell ya: one day, I stumbled upon one of the scientists testing it out on this black-and-red cat, which was going crazy because of the stuff. The scientist kept saying things like "nice pussycat" to the animal. I named the compound "NicePussycat" as a bit of a joke. The more I thought about it, the more the name grew on me, until it finally stuck. Well, that's one reason I named it what I did. There's another: I'm the god-damned CEO of this company! I can name stuff whatever the hell I wanna name it! Was that enough for ya? No? Well too bad! That's the life of an executive for ya. Flynn out._

Monday, April 25th, 2005

_Okay, you worthless slags. Some good news and some bad news. The good news is that this NiP thing is really taking off. Orders have been pouring in from everywhere. The bad news is that's not s'posed to happen yet. Apparently, someone didn't get the memo that this was a 'top-secret' project! TOP…SECRET! And now we have orders comin' in from Uffington to Oxfordshire, from Cardiff to Gloucester… It's all over the bloody kingdom, okay? We weren't even supposed to get orders for this stuff for three months. Well, we all know what that means: more work for you lot! So, quit your munkin' around and get to it! Flynn out._

Friday, April 29th, 2005

_Alright, so who's been fooling around with the NiP? I know I saw some of you sad wankers joking around, sniffing the stuff and acting high. Well, here's a newsflash for you meatheads: IT DOESN'T AFFECT HUMANS! IT ONLY AFFECTS BLOODY CATS! So stop faffing around and pretending you're Harold & Kumar, going over to White Castle. Plus, no one ever told me we had a White Castle near the factory. You chumps know that that's my favorite restaurant! I know that you lot were looking forward to going home and seeing your families tomorrow, but wasting product, horseplaying instead of working, and going to White Castle without me? That's it! Double overtime for the lot of you! You're just going to have to visit that park bench you call home some other …what? You all live in condominiums? I don't believe in condominiums. And neither did your mums! Get back to work. Flynn out._

Monday, May 2nd, 2005

_For those of you who don't know, the lab staff has picked up two strays off of a curb – two orange tabbies, brother and sister by the looks of 'em. Neither of them had tags or any identification, but one of them – presumably the sister – had a pearl necklace around her neck which she is very fond of. Believe me, Nigel tried to take it off and she nearly clawed his goolies off. Poor bastard. Well, let's say this: he wouldn't've been missin' much down there. Okay, I hear you lot stiflin' a bit of a laugh. Just remember that it could've been any of you lot. And that will be any of you lot who decides to get on my bad side. Get to it, lads! Flynn out._

Friday, May 6th, 2005

_You lot will be happy to hear that the tabby siblings are getting along fondly with the red cat. They've taken a liking to each other, they have. Also they are really into the NiP, too. They've been going at it. Another batch of good news: there's a lot of good work on the factory floor. I actually feel proud of you lot. It makes me want to well up with tears, and then shove the tears down your throat 'cause I'm reminded of how much I HATE…YOU…ALL! (hard breathing is heard.) Flynn out._

Thursday, May 12th, 2005

_The stock room is really fillin' up, lads. It's piled high with the stuff, it is. The orders are flying in, and we're ready to fill 'em, too. I think I've ridden you lot a bit too harsh lately. Tell you what: I'll throw you lot a party. I think I'll even invite Nigel, even though he sounds like a bloody chipmunk now. Bloody 'ell, I'm glad I pushed him in first. You didn't hear that. Anyway, congratulations on exceeding our quota of 500 kilos of the stuff. Give yourselves a pat on the back, you mugs. Flynn out._

Friday, May 13th, 2005

_WHAT?! This…this can't be real. This can't be happening. Over 500 kilos of the stuff…GONE! No one was here. The factory was locked up tight for the night – no one here but the test cats. When Nigel opened the storage room this morning, nothin' was in there! It was all barren, it was. The cats were gone, too. You might think that some bloke let them out and faffed around with all the NiP, but I tell you again: the factory was COMPLETELY LOCKED UP FOR THE NIGHT! No way in or out! How did this happen? Well, you know what this means: BACK TO WORK FOR YOU SLOBS! Flynn out._


End file.
